We don't need anything, or anyone...

We'll do it all, everything, on our own. We don't need, anything, or anyone. If I lie here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?
- Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol.


So. The first blog post is always the awkward one, I apologise in advance okay? I guess I should introduce myself. I'm Katherine - I hate my name, and as soon as I think of a better one, I'm going to officially change it, but for now, I'm Katherine. I'm seventeen years old, nearly eighteen, and that scares me! So far, I'm kind of sounding like a "normal" teenager, right? Well this is where it all changes. I have always had "mental health issues" for as long as I can remember. When I was around 6 years old, I got diagnosed with dyspraxia, although I've grown out of that now and it doesn't affect me at all now. At 12 years old, I got diagnosed with Aspergers, however I now disagree with that diagnosis and I am awaiting tests to see if I still am an 'Aspie'. At my old high school, I got bullied, and so I fell into a state of depression. I wouldn't get out of bed. I lost all interest in any activities I once enjoyed. And in June 2009, when I was coming up for fifteen, I (illegally) dropped out of school. I had a barrage of people come see me, I have no idea who most of them were, I only remember the educational psychologist, and my guidance teacher. CAMHS were involved but I refused to cooperate with them, so that went out the window.


So there's my "history", now onto the present. I attend CAMHS, however personally I think it's a load of shit, they don't help me whatsoever - in fact I think they've made me worse.. (I think a blog post on that is required!) I suspect that I have bipolar disorder, with some signs of psychosis occurring, however seeing as CAMHS won't listen to me, that hasn't been taken into consideration. They think I have borderline personality disorder, but cannot diagnose me due to the fact I am under eighteen. I know that I have an eating disorder, but I am not at a low enough weight to be diagnosed with anorexia so, I am not receiving any treatment for that. I also have generalised & social anxiety. I self harm also, and have suicidal tendencies - I was admitted to hospital in February 2012 due to an overdose.


I want more than anything to be 'okay', whatever 'okay' is. I want to enjoy life. I want to look forward to the future. I want to have fun. I want to have friends, and be able to keep them. I want to be confident. I want to be able to eat whatever and not want to restrict or throw up after. I want to love myself. I want to be able to go out without having anxiety. I want to not have to harm myself. I want to be able to not be scared of having another panic attack. I want to love the fact I'm alive, instead of thinking of ways to not be alive.


It's going to be a long, hard road to recovery, especially as no mental health services I'm involved with seem to want to help, but I want this so bad so I am going to try and fight this myself. Right now, it seems impossible that there will ever be anything beyond this, but people have gone through worse than I have, and come out the other side, so if they can do it, so can I!


This blog is going to be like my diary I guess. Please follow my road to recovery and help encourage me when I'm finding it difficult?


Katherine
xxx