"Everyone I know, goes away in the end. And you could have it all. My empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt"
- Hurt, Leona Lewis
[any people who are mentioned, the names I have used are not their real names, I want to protect their privacy]
Today has been a day of mixed emotions. From the time I woke up this morning, I could tell today wasn't going to be very good. Crap weather, I felt shit, and I was getting pissed off at the littlest things. Typical. However, things weren't that bad to begin with, but they got steadily worse as the day went on. My cuts had reopened in the shower, and so I needed a staff member to clean and redress them. Although, as is often the case, there was only one staff member on duty that I felt comfortable with doing it, and that was Skye. She was busy until just before registration - I was sitting in the library with Cameron, and I asked Ryan to go find her because I felt too self conscious to go myself. Ryan came in and said that he couldn't find her, and at the same time, Sam came in. He said that Skye was in the tartan room, so I asked him if he could go ask her, because I just couldn't make myself do it. He came back, and said that Skye said that she isn't coming through, and it's registration time. That in itself kind of hurt, but I was determined not to let it affect me.
We made our way over to assembly, and I deliberately sat away from most of my friends in the hope that Skye might sit with me so I could explain to her why I needed to see her, but no. She sat with Emma. Typical. That pissed me off, but again, I was determined not to let it affect me.
On the way out of assembly however, she was behind me, and I took my chance. I told her about my arm, and she told me that she had to leave straight away because she had an appointment. Fair enough, right? Yeah, I don't have a problem with that. Although, she then went onto say that I can't have certain people that I will allow to do this, I have to let any staff member on duty do them. I was nearly in tears when she went on about this - I honestly thought she would understand that I'm not going to let any old staff member do it. The majority of them will judge me or make comments. I hardly trust anyone. I held in my emotions though, and went to English.
Sam knew that there was something wrong, but I wouldn't tell him what Skye had said. When I was in English, it didn't go so well. I was snappy with Paul, my teacher. It wasn't his fault, I know, but I couldn't help it. I was fucking suicidal, and I couldn't cope with just being "okay". He wanted me to talk on the phone to this girl who's part of the filming project we're doing, and I just flat out refused. I hate talking on the phone as it is - I get major anxiety over it, but I didn't feel comfortable explaining that to him so I had to just refuse with no explanation. Luckily Sam took over, but ugh.
The day got better from there though, well kind of.
I spoke to Matt near the end of period 2 - I was in a really bad place. I don't know if he noticed, but I was really emotional, trying not to cry and the like. I hate crying in front of people. I wasn't that nice to him either, but I think (or at least I hope) he knows it's not intentional, that it's nothing personal against him. He was lovely though, as per usual. I don't know how I coped without his support, it's such an important part of my life right now. And then Matt spoke to Sam and asked him to look after me and cheer me up because I was a bit down today (bit of an understatement but!) - how sweet?! I felt so loved!
Soon after that, we got taken out to film 'on location' which was pretty good I guess.
Right now? I've been better. Still slightly suicidal but nothing that's not normal. I was feeling very positive earlier, but not so much now. I'll get through tonight anyway. And once I've got through tonight, I can focus on tomorrow.
Friday, 8 June 2012
Saturday, 2 June 2012
There's just too much that time cannot erase...
I'm so tired of being here. Suppressed by all my childish fears. And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave. Cause your presence still lingers here, and it won't leave me alone. These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase. When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears. When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears. And I held your hand through all of these years. But you still have all of me. You used to captivate me by your resonating light. Now I'm bound by the life you left behind. Your face, it haunts, my once pleasant dreams. Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me. These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase. When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears. When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears. And I held your hand through all of these years. I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone. But though you're still with me, I've been alone, I'm alone. When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears. When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears. And I held your hand through all of these years.
- My Immortal, Evanescence
Okay so I'm having a really bad day, I felt a wee bit better earlier and stuff but overall it's been bad.
My eating has been really bad today.. I've been feeling really fat, I don't know.. I mean I know I'm not FAT as in like...obese but I feel horrible. I'm not skinny enough. I'm average, and average isn't good enough. In my eyes average isn't skinny enough. On other people it is, but not on me. I need to be the skinniest, not just... slim. I can't have anyone be skinnier than me. I hate clothes being tight on me, because it makes me feel fat. People always make comments on what I eat or say something stupid like "god you're heavy" if they decide to try to pick me up, and that just makes me worse! My CAMHS psychiatrist has made it worse too because of her thoughts that everything must be fine because I've gained half a kilo since last summer, and yes I'm underweight but everything's fine because its not like my periods have stopped and I'm just underweight, apparently you need a BMI of 14 to be diagnosed with anorexia - that would mean I would be weighing about 85lbs.. 15lbs less than I do now. Yes, my goal weight was less than that but I'll fucking show her. If she wants to say everything's fine, then so be it, but she'll be the one to admit that she made a mistake when things go wrong.
I'm so suicidal at the moment too. It'd be so simple to go get hit by a car or something. Yes, I've now learnt overdosing isn't the answer. It's so unlikely to work. But the car thing? Almost guaranteed to work. It would be so so so simple. No one would have to worry about me. I can't go on. The NHS are shit, they arent providing me with appropriate care, which is ironic because the ONLY thing I want is to be OKAY! But I can't be okay. I hate being like this. No one needs to freak out though, I'm not going to end my life anytime soon ok? :-)
Lastly, my anxiety. It's killing me. I'm anxious over nothing yet it's affecting me...badly. Its only been this bad a few times before. Shaking, sitting at my window trying to get fresh air freaking out because you feel like you can't breathe.... This isn't normal.
And now to top it all off, I've lost all hope in everything, I feel so so fucked up. I'm sitting here crying because I feel like this is it. This is all my life is going to come to. No one that CAN help me, WILL.. And so my life is over before it's properly begun.
I know I sound so negative.. And I'm sorry. I hate being like this. I PROMISE YOU. I WANT TO BE OKAY. I WANT TO LIVE. But it's all getting way too hard. I can't cope by myself.
Katherine
xxx
- My Immortal, Evanescence
Okay so I'm having a really bad day, I felt a wee bit better earlier and stuff but overall it's been bad.
My eating has been really bad today.. I've been feeling really fat, I don't know.. I mean I know I'm not FAT as in like...obese but I feel horrible. I'm not skinny enough. I'm average, and average isn't good enough. In my eyes average isn't skinny enough. On other people it is, but not on me. I need to be the skinniest, not just... slim. I can't have anyone be skinnier than me. I hate clothes being tight on me, because it makes me feel fat. People always make comments on what I eat or say something stupid like "god you're heavy" if they decide to try to pick me up, and that just makes me worse! My CAMHS psychiatrist has made it worse too because of her thoughts that everything must be fine because I've gained half a kilo since last summer, and yes I'm underweight but everything's fine because its not like my periods have stopped and I'm just underweight, apparently you need a BMI of 14 to be diagnosed with anorexia - that would mean I would be weighing about 85lbs.. 15lbs less than I do now. Yes, my goal weight was less than that but I'll fucking show her. If she wants to say everything's fine, then so be it, but she'll be the one to admit that she made a mistake when things go wrong.
I'm so suicidal at the moment too. It'd be so simple to go get hit by a car or something. Yes, I've now learnt overdosing isn't the answer. It's so unlikely to work. But the car thing? Almost guaranteed to work. It would be so so so simple. No one would have to worry about me. I can't go on. The NHS are shit, they arent providing me with appropriate care, which is ironic because the ONLY thing I want is to be OKAY! But I can't be okay. I hate being like this. No one needs to freak out though, I'm not going to end my life anytime soon ok? :-)
Lastly, my anxiety. It's killing me. I'm anxious over nothing yet it's affecting me...badly. Its only been this bad a few times before. Shaking, sitting at my window trying to get fresh air freaking out because you feel like you can't breathe.... This isn't normal.
And now to top it all off, I've lost all hope in everything, I feel so so fucked up. I'm sitting here crying because I feel like this is it. This is all my life is going to come to. No one that CAN help me, WILL.. And so my life is over before it's properly begun.
I know I sound so negative.. And I'm sorry. I hate being like this. I PROMISE YOU. I WANT TO BE OKAY. I WANT TO LIVE. But it's all getting way too hard. I can't cope by myself.
Katherine
xxx
Now I know how far you'd go....
"There's nothing I could say to you, nothing I could ever do to make you see what you mean to me. All the pain, the tears I cried, still you never said goodbye, and now I know how far you'd go. I know I let you down, but it's not like that now, this time I'll never let you go. I will be all that you want, and get myself together, cause you keep me from falling apart. All my life, I'll be with you forever, to get you through the day and make everything okay. I thought that I had everything, I didn't know what life could bring, but now I see, honestly. You're the one thing I got right, the only one I let inside. Now I can breathe, cause you're here with me. And if I let you down, I'll turn it all around, cause I would never let you go. I will be all that you want, and get myself together cause you keep me from falling apart. And all my life, I'll be with you forever to get you through the day and make everything okay."
- I Will Be, Leona Lewis.
Friends. I don't have many. Well, no, let me correct that. I don't have many friends that I can trust, or talk to. At school I have plenty of people I can socialise with, I get described as 'popular', I get on with most people, but that doesn't mean I have an easy time of it. I feel extremely alone a lot of the time, due to the fact that I have very few friends I can tell everything to, and can trust. In fact, right now, I probably only have one.
That one friend however, means an infinite amount to me. I am not exaggerating when I say I honestly believe that I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for him. I will keep him anonymous, he has a right to privacy, so let's call him...Sam. Sam goes to my school, and to begin with when I started there, we didn't get on too well. I honestly can't remember how we became friends, but we gradually grew closer and closer, and now I can tell him anything (and hopefully he can tell me anything too!). I speak to him everyday, and he's supported me so greatly through everything. He doesn't have to however, I've told him many times that in a way I would rather he didn't support me incase the outcome is that I hurt him by some unfortunate turn of events.
Although, I cannot explain in words how thankful I am to have him around, and how much he's helped me. He understands what I'm going through (unlike most people), and he's been there for me just offering an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on, and sometimes that's the best thing anyone can do. Sam means the world to me, and I wish that everyone had a Sam, maybe then things would be easier for people, if each person had that one friend who really 'gets' them, and will always be there for them, no matter what.
This is just a post to thank Sam (you know who you are!), because I honestly don't think he realises how much he means to me, and how much he's helped me.
Support is one of the most important stages in recovery, and I'm so glad I can tick it off the list.
Katherine
xxx
- I Will Be, Leona Lewis.
Friends. I don't have many. Well, no, let me correct that. I don't have many friends that I can trust, or talk to. At school I have plenty of people I can socialise with, I get described as 'popular', I get on with most people, but that doesn't mean I have an easy time of it. I feel extremely alone a lot of the time, due to the fact that I have very few friends I can tell everything to, and can trust. In fact, right now, I probably only have one.
That one friend however, means an infinite amount to me. I am not exaggerating when I say I honestly believe that I wouldn't be here today if it wasn't for him. I will keep him anonymous, he has a right to privacy, so let's call him...Sam. Sam goes to my school, and to begin with when I started there, we didn't get on too well. I honestly can't remember how we became friends, but we gradually grew closer and closer, and now I can tell him anything (and hopefully he can tell me anything too!). I speak to him everyday, and he's supported me so greatly through everything. He doesn't have to however, I've told him many times that in a way I would rather he didn't support me incase the outcome is that I hurt him by some unfortunate turn of events.
Although, I cannot explain in words how thankful I am to have him around, and how much he's helped me. He understands what I'm going through (unlike most people), and he's been there for me just offering an ear to listen or a shoulder to cry on, and sometimes that's the best thing anyone can do. Sam means the world to me, and I wish that everyone had a Sam, maybe then things would be easier for people, if each person had that one friend who really 'gets' them, and will always be there for them, no matter what.
This is just a post to thank Sam (you know who you are!), because I honestly don't think he realises how much he means to me, and how much he's helped me.
Support is one of the most important stages in recovery, and I'm so glad I can tick it off the list.
Katherine
xxx
We don't need anything, or anyone...
We'll do it all, everything, on our own. We don't need, anything, or anyone. If I lie here, if I just lay here, would you lie with me and just forget the world?
- Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol.
So. The first blog post is always the awkward one, I apologise in advance okay? I guess I should introduce myself. I'm Katherine - I hate my name, and as soon as I think of a better one, I'm going to officially change it, but for now, I'm Katherine. I'm seventeen years old, nearly eighteen, and that scares me! So far, I'm kind of sounding like a "normal" teenager, right? Well this is where it all changes. I have always had "mental health issues" for as long as I can remember. When I was around 6 years old, I got diagnosed with dyspraxia, although I've grown out of that now and it doesn't affect me at all now. At 12 years old, I got diagnosed with Aspergers, however I now disagree with that diagnosis and I am awaiting tests to see if I still am an 'Aspie'. At my old high school, I got bullied, and so I fell into a state of depression. I wouldn't get out of bed. I lost all interest in any activities I once enjoyed. And in June 2009, when I was coming up for fifteen, I (illegally) dropped out of school. I had a barrage of people come see me, I have no idea who most of them were, I only remember the educational psychologist, and my guidance teacher. CAMHS were involved but I refused to cooperate with them, so that went out the window.
So there's my "history", now onto the present. I attend CAMHS, however personally I think it's a load of shit, they don't help me whatsoever - in fact I think they've made me worse.. (I think a blog post on that is required!) I suspect that I have bipolar disorder, with some signs of psychosis occurring, however seeing as CAMHS won't listen to me, that hasn't been taken into consideration. They think I have borderline personality disorder, but cannot diagnose me due to the fact I am under eighteen. I know that I have an eating disorder, but I am not at a low enough weight to be diagnosed with anorexia so, I am not receiving any treatment for that. I also have generalised & social anxiety. I self harm also, and have suicidal tendencies - I was admitted to hospital in February 2012 due to an overdose.
I want more than anything to be 'okay', whatever 'okay' is. I want to enjoy life. I want to look forward to the future. I want to have fun. I want to have friends, and be able to keep them. I want to be confident. I want to be able to eat whatever and not want to restrict or throw up after. I want to love myself. I want to be able to go out without having anxiety. I want to not have to harm myself. I want to be able to not be scared of having another panic attack. I want to love the fact I'm alive, instead of thinking of ways to not be alive.
It's going to be a long, hard road to recovery, especially as no mental health services I'm involved with seem to want to help, but I want this so bad so I am going to try and fight this myself. Right now, it seems impossible that there will ever be anything beyond this, but people have gone through worse than I have, and come out the other side, so if they can do it, so can I!
This blog is going to be like my diary I guess. Please follow my road to recovery and help encourage me when I'm finding it difficult?
Katherine
xxx
- Chasing Cars, Snow Patrol.
So. The first blog post is always the awkward one, I apologise in advance okay? I guess I should introduce myself. I'm Katherine - I hate my name, and as soon as I think of a better one, I'm going to officially change it, but for now, I'm Katherine. I'm seventeen years old, nearly eighteen, and that scares me! So far, I'm kind of sounding like a "normal" teenager, right? Well this is where it all changes. I have always had "mental health issues" for as long as I can remember. When I was around 6 years old, I got diagnosed with dyspraxia, although I've grown out of that now and it doesn't affect me at all now. At 12 years old, I got diagnosed with Aspergers, however I now disagree with that diagnosis and I am awaiting tests to see if I still am an 'Aspie'. At my old high school, I got bullied, and so I fell into a state of depression. I wouldn't get out of bed. I lost all interest in any activities I once enjoyed. And in June 2009, when I was coming up for fifteen, I (illegally) dropped out of school. I had a barrage of people come see me, I have no idea who most of them were, I only remember the educational psychologist, and my guidance teacher. CAMHS were involved but I refused to cooperate with them, so that went out the window.
So there's my "history", now onto the present. I attend CAMHS, however personally I think it's a load of shit, they don't help me whatsoever - in fact I think they've made me worse.. (I think a blog post on that is required!) I suspect that I have bipolar disorder, with some signs of psychosis occurring, however seeing as CAMHS won't listen to me, that hasn't been taken into consideration. They think I have borderline personality disorder, but cannot diagnose me due to the fact I am under eighteen. I know that I have an eating disorder, but I am not at a low enough weight to be diagnosed with anorexia so, I am not receiving any treatment for that. I also have generalised & social anxiety. I self harm also, and have suicidal tendencies - I was admitted to hospital in February 2012 due to an overdose.
I want more than anything to be 'okay', whatever 'okay' is. I want to enjoy life. I want to look forward to the future. I want to have fun. I want to have friends, and be able to keep them. I want to be confident. I want to be able to eat whatever and not want to restrict or throw up after. I want to love myself. I want to be able to go out without having anxiety. I want to not have to harm myself. I want to be able to not be scared of having another panic attack. I want to love the fact I'm alive, instead of thinking of ways to not be alive.
It's going to be a long, hard road to recovery, especially as no mental health services I'm involved with seem to want to help, but I want this so bad so I am going to try and fight this myself. Right now, it seems impossible that there will ever be anything beyond this, but people have gone through worse than I have, and come out the other side, so if they can do it, so can I!
This blog is going to be like my diary I guess. Please follow my road to recovery and help encourage me when I'm finding it difficult?
Katherine
xxx
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