"It feels like I have lost this fight, they think that I am staying down. But I'm not giving up tonight, tonight the wall is coming down."
- One More, Superchick
I wrote a letter to my psychologist, and I thought I may as well post it on here.
Dear ______,
I am writing to you because I really want someone to take what I'm saying on board and I feel let down by the CAMHS service (not so much by you however). I really wanted this to help me.. I was doubtful at the start but I gave it a chance and if hasn't done much for me. However, I do know people who have found CAMHS helpful, which is why I am willing to try one last time. I really want help _____, and I also know that really, I need it to ever be able to lead any kind of successful life. I don't want to have a life riddled with metal illness and always have the question of suicide hanging over me, which is why I'm trying to get things sorted now. I would like a second opinion from a psychiatrist because I feel the need for a diagnosis. I know that you may disagree with what I'm about to say, but I feel this way. I feel like if I have a diagnosis then I am more likely to get the help that I require, and am entitled to. Not even just from CAMHS, at school the staff will be more understanding if I do actually have a diagnosis, and will be happier to then offer additional support.
The first thing I would like to speak to you about is my mood. My mood has completely changed now. I don't get highs anymore really, I am depressed all the time. The intensity of the depression does vary, and there are definitely occasional times when I am "happier", but I wouldn't say I was actually happy as such, it's more like.... I'm always depressed, but there are times when I can block out those feelings for maybe an hour at most, but more likely about half an hour... These little blips are nice, but in a way I wish I didn't get them because it makes me wish I was always like that. Something honestly needs to be done about this though. I can't physically continue living with my mood the way it is. I will lie in bed all day because there is no point to getting up and facing the day. I'm more tired than usual... I'm more irritable, quiet, withdrawn... I've been really suicidal at the moment as well which I really hate. I can't live like this. ________ has noticed a difference in me during the past two dates of outreach as well so it's not just me being overly paranoid. Please can we discuss ways of treating periods of depression whether that'd be therapy or medication - I know that you can't prescribe medication but even so.
Secondly, is my eating. I fit into all the diagnostic criteria for having anorexia, apart from the fact that my periods have not stopped. Personally I think that this is ridiculous but ah well. I'm fed up of having weight control my life! I want to be able to go out for a meal and order the lowest calorie thing that I'll eat with a glass of water, then I'll probably purge it in the toilets anyway. My body is so used to eating around 500 calories now that it's normal almost... Which is why I've gained weight. That's just motivated me more though. I'll excessively exercise... I'll go on the trampoline for about an hour, do an hour of gymnastics, half an hour of weight work, I'll walk 30mins to an hour everyday, and walk/run up and down the stairs as much as possible without it looking suspicious. If I'm at my mums then I'll go on the exercise bike for hours on end, just as long as I can. It sounds like I'm pretty fit, but I'm not - I just force myself. I don't really have a choice to be honest. I just have to. It's not questionable. I am so scared of gaining weight. I'm fat enough as it is, every pound matters. I hate the way my body looks, and I HAVE to be skinnier. But it's not all about being skinny either. It's about control, something I've never really had in my life. When I don't eat, I am in control. I am a success. So the less I eat, the more of a success I am and the more control I have. I really need help with this because I recognise that this isn't a healthy way to live my life, I just do not know how to break out of it and take the leap of faith into recovery. I can't jump into the unknown however. My head convinces me that I will lose control and become fat, and that I will lose everything I've worked for.
Thirdly, is my anxiety. I seriously need help with this. My anxiety varies in intensity but I will usually get some kind of anxiety everyday. Every. Single. Day. It also varies in length, sometimes it could last the whole day then lead onto the next day, but sometimes it might only last 15 mins. Depending on the severity, I get different symptoms. My symptoms could be anything ranging from; heart palpitations, shortness of breath, feeling sick, shaking, feeling either really hot or really cold, feeling faint or overwhelmed - as if I'll pass out, feeling as if I'm in a dream or I'm not quite..."there", getting 'butterflies', chest pains, thoughts of suicide, voices in my head, sweating, feeling trapped - like the walls are closing in on me, and just a feeling of impending doom. Sometimes I will know what my anxiety is about, but other times I will have no idea. It really controls my life when it's bad... If I'm at home, I will either curl up in the fetal position under my duvet and listen to music really loud to try and block out my thoughts, or shut myself in a cupboard, again to try and block the world out. If it really bad, I will just freeze in that position and zone out completely however. If I'm out somewhere then I kind of have to continue with what I'm doing which is usually when the dreamlike state occurs. It's got to the point where I get anxiety over getting anxiety.
Lastly, it really scares me because it's like... My head tells me to do something. For example, tonight I was making a cup of tea, and I hear my head saying "Just kill yourself. Everyone's left you anyway. You have no one left." then I kind of like talk myself out of it or I am just like "shut up!" - not out loud, but in my head. And then I realise what's actually going on and I'm like "this cannot be normal..." What really scares me is that my head can convince me about things - like so many things from suicide, to anxiety related stuff, to convincing myself I have no one... They're just a few examples. It's only so long before it convinces me to do something. It scares the hell out of me.
_______, I'm begging you. Please, please help me. This is my last resort. I know that I need help. I can't continue living like this. Sooner or later, if I continue without help, then I will do something reckless and there will be no going back this time (that isn't a threat by the way, I'm just trying to explain that I need as much help as possible). I never thought it was possible to be this scared of yourself, but hey, I guess it is. I'll end things here but yeah, please help me.
