I will let you down, I will make you hurt...

"Everyone I know, goes away in the end. And you could have it all. My empire of dirt. I will let you down, I will make you hurt"
- Hurt, Leona Lewis


[any people who are mentioned, the names I have used are not their real names, I want to protect their privacy]


Today has been a day of mixed emotions. From the time I woke up this morning, I could tell today wasn't going to be very good. Crap weather, I felt shit, and I was getting pissed off at the littlest things. Typical. However, things weren't that bad to begin with, but they got steadily worse as the day went on. My cuts had reopened in the shower, and so I needed a staff member to clean and redress them. Although, as is often the case, there was only one staff member on duty that I felt comfortable with doing it, and that was Skye. She was busy until just before registration - I was sitting in the library with Cameron, and I asked Ryan to go find her because I felt too self conscious to go myself. Ryan came in and said that he couldn't find her, and at the same time, Sam came in. He said that Skye was in the tartan room, so I asked him if he could go ask her, because I just couldn't make myself do it. He came back, and said that Skye said that she isn't coming through, and it's registration time. That in itself kind of hurt, but I was determined not to let it affect me. 


We made our way over to assembly, and I deliberately sat away from most of my friends in the hope that Skye might sit with me so I could explain to her why I needed to see her, but no. She sat with Emma. Typical. That pissed me off, but again, I was determined not to let it affect me. 


On the way out of assembly however, she was behind me, and I took my chance. I told her about my arm,  and she told me that she had to leave straight away because she had an appointment. Fair enough, right? Yeah, I don't have a problem with that. Although, she then went onto say that I can't have certain people that I will allow to do this, I have to let any staff member on duty do them. I was nearly in tears when she went on about this - I honestly thought she would understand that I'm not going to let any old staff member do it. The majority of them will judge me or make comments. I hardly trust anyone. I held in my emotions though, and went to English. 

Sam knew that there was something wrong, but I wouldn't tell him what Skye had said. When I was in English, it didn't go so well. I was snappy with Paul, my teacher. It wasn't his fault, I know, but I couldn't help it. I was fucking suicidal, and I couldn't cope with just being "okay". He wanted me to talk on the phone to this girl who's part of the filming project we're doing, and I just flat out refused. I hate talking on the phone as it is - I get major anxiety over it, but I didn't feel comfortable explaining that to him so I had to just refuse with no explanation. Luckily Sam took over, but ugh. 


The day got better from there though, well kind of.


I spoke to Matt near the end of period 2 - I was in a really bad place. I don't know if he noticed, but I was really emotional, trying not to cry and the like. I hate crying in front of people. I wasn't that nice to him either, but I think (or at least I hope) he knows it's not intentional, that it's nothing personal against him. He was lovely though, as per usual. I don't know how I coped without his support, it's such an important part of my life right now. And then Matt spoke to Sam and asked him to look after me and cheer me up because I was a bit down today (bit of an understatement but!) - how sweet?! I felt so loved!


Soon after that, we got taken out to film 'on location' which was pretty good I guess.


Right now? I've been better. Still slightly suicidal but nothing that's not normal. I was feeling very positive earlier, but not so much now. I'll get through tonight anyway. And once I've got through tonight, I can focus on tomorrow.