There's just too much that time cannot erase...

I'm so tired of being here. Suppressed by all my childish fears. And if you have to leave, I wish that you would just leave. Cause your presence still lingers here, and it won't leave me alone. These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase. When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears. When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears. And I held your hand through all of these years. But you still have all of me. You used to captivate me by your resonating light. Now I'm bound by the life you left behind. Your face, it haunts, my once pleasant dreams. Your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me. These wounds won't seem to heal. This pain is just too real. There's just too much that time cannot erase. When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears. When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears. And I held your hand through all of these years. I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone. But though you're still with me, I've been alone, I'm alone.  When you cried, I'd wipe away all of your tears. When you'd scream, I'd fight away all of your fears. And I held your hand through all of these years. 
- My Immortal, Evanescence


Okay so I'm having a really bad day, I felt a wee bit better earlier and stuff but overall it's been bad.

My eating has been really bad today.. I've been feeling really fat, I don't know.. I mean I know I'm not FAT as in like...obese but I feel horrible. I'm not skinny enough. I'm average, and average isn't good enough. In my eyes average isn't skinny enough. On other people it is, but not on me. I need to be the skinniest, not just... slim. I can't have anyone be skinnier than me. I hate clothes being tight on me, because it makes me feel fat. People always make comments on what I eat or say something stupid like "god you're heavy" if they decide to try to pick me up, and that just makes me worse! My CAMHS psychiatrist has made it worse too because of her thoughts that everything must be fine because I've gained half a kilo since last summer, and yes I'm underweight but everything's fine because its not like my periods have stopped and I'm just underweight, apparently you need a BMI of 14 to be diagnosed with anorexia - that would mean I would be weighing about 85lbs.. 15lbs less than I do now. Yes, my goal weight was less than that but I'll fucking show her. If she wants to say everything's fine, then so be it, but she'll be the one to admit that she made a mistake when things go wrong.

I'm so suicidal at the moment too. It'd be so simple to go get hit by a car or something. Yes, I've now learnt overdosing isn't the answer. It's so unlikely to work.  But the car thing? Almost guaranteed to work. It would be so so so simple. No one would have to worry about me. I can't go on. The NHS are shit, they arent providing me with appropriate care, which is ironic because the ONLY thing I want is to be OKAY! But I can't be okay. I hate being like this. No one needs to freak out though, I'm not going to end my life anytime soon ok? :-)

Lastly, my anxiety. It's killing me. I'm anxious over nothing yet it's affecting me...badly. Its only been this bad a few times before. Shaking, sitting at my window trying to get fresh air freaking out because you feel like you can't breathe.... This isn't normal.

And now to top it all off, I've lost all hope in everything, I feel so so fucked up. I'm sitting here crying because I feel like this is it. This is all my life is going to come to. No one that CAN help me, WILL.. And so my life is over before it's properly begun.

I know I sound so negative.. And I'm sorry. I hate being like this. I PROMISE YOU. I WANT TO BE OKAY. I WANT TO LIVE. But it's all getting way too hard. I can't cope by myself.


Katherine
xxx